#HeavyHeartwithaBrightFuture
Date - Sunday, April 1st
2018
Hey girl hey…or guys! I’m a few days late posting this blog, but better late than never. So, Sunday was Resurrection Day and I spent my time in church. Normally, I would go back to my hometown where my family resides (Richmond), but I decided to stay where I have been residing for the past 15 years (Virginia Beach). The water isn't as pretty as Florida, California, or the islands lol...but it's still nice to live near the beach. Church was amazing, but I could tell that my heart was heavy. I guess because my Pre-Op Appointment didn’t go as planned and sharing my story can be an emotional roller-coaster due to re-living the moments. However, being in church surrounded by high energy and all those cute Easter outfits on the children was refreshing. Some would think that someone in my shoes or worse would have resentful feelings, but for me it’s the complete opposite. I live through seeing other families flourishing together. I know that one day it will be my time or maybe it won’t, but no need to have negative feelings. Because I’m sure that I have the same thoughts as some of you like I may never carry a child, that no man will want me because I can’t bear a child, that I can't live up to my full potential as a woman, or that I’m seeking love in all the wrong places because my situation can make me feel like I will always be alone (single without children). But I know and believe my story is bigger than me…I might not be able to see the full vision, but I will continue to put in the work. Sometimes putting in the work can be difficult because the reality of it all…I’m usually exhausted or in pain. Lately, a lot of my days have been okay due to the Lupron injection I get every 3 months, but when my body is adjusting to the iron from an IV infusion…it can be tiring. All I want to do is lay still and sleep the days away. After my pre-op appointment, my fibroids have been painful and uncomfortable. The doctor had to push on my lower belly to get a feel of the size of them. In that moment, it didn’t hurt, but it has been painful since I left the doctors to wear slacks at work or just drive. I have been drinking tea, taking pain pills, massaging my lower belly, hot showers, warm baths, and using my castor oil packs. I try to focus on keeping myself balanced mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically because all of this can take a toll on me. It’s now 4:00 a.m. and I’m up trying to finish this blog because I fell asleep lol. Lupron can cause insomnia, so sometimes I can’t sleep at all or I can’t stay asleep. And on top of all of that, I’m sick with a terrible cough and sore throat. Can a girl catch a break lol!?! I think my mind is constantly racing about ways to shrink my fibroids, so I started researching and trying to logically piece together more home remedies. I know this will not be an easy nor quick road to shrinking or eliminating fibroids, but I pray that God uses me to find ways that I can share with other women. I have found out some new information, but I am trying to figure out how to add it to my diet and how often to do them before sharing. When I last checked the size of my fibroid via an ultrasound, it was 13cm. I know that my fibroid has shrunk, but I am trying to give myself 30 days of changes to my diet and lifestyle before I have my MRI. I do not want to hear another doctor nor nurse tell me that a hysterectomy is my only option or that I will not be able to conceive without any proof (no images, no procedures, no testing) just an ultrasound confirming I have fibroids. I know this is possible and I don’t want to suffer any longer, but patience, faith, and work are the keys. Stay tuned as I continue this Fibroid Free Journey without surgery...
#BlessingInDisguise
Date - Wednesday, March 28th
2018
Today is Pre-Op Day and that just lets me know I’m closer to surgery. Still hesitant about my decision to have surgery because I really wanted to avoid it, but this is affecting my daily life. I already made a huge decision when I decided to take Lupron and that’s why I documented my everyday struggle in my journal “The Beauty of Being Reborn.” I needed to share what I experienced with such a fearful type of hormone therapy. I read horror stories and success stories. There are some women I follow on Instagram, and I have read their captions under their pictures saying that this is their 7th or 14th surgery dealing with a reproductive issue not specific to Fibroids. Women endure so much in silence to remain strong! My journey is geared towards fibroid awareness and iron deficiency anemia, but I’m hoping and praying to touch someone who may feel alone along their journey and for women to feel comfortable sharing their pain and struggle. Technology has advanced, but when it comes to reproductive issues, women are still facing life-altering decisions that you really don’t understand until you walk a day in their shoes.
My doctor’s appointment was at 10:45 a.m., but you know how that goes…
I didn’t see the doctor until about 11:15 a.m. and I was in there for literally 10 minutes. I envisioned today to be full of exams, testing, and discussing surgery plus recovery, but I was mistaken. I prayed on the way to the doctor’s office that God take control because I wanted to avoid surgery and I needed God to give me clarity. So, when the doctor walked in and asked me has anything changed…I told him that my menstrual was extremely light this month (Thank God) and that my fibroid is smaller. I asked him about other procedures because I did my research on different approaches to removing fibroids. I rather be fully aware of my options and how they will affect me in the future. He then says to me, “So we will be taking your uterus and leaving your ovaries intact, right?” That is ABSOLUTELY NOT what we discussed! I would never decide to remove my uterus! I am 33 with no children and I eventually want a family. My heart sunk to my stomach in disbelief, my mind was cluttered, and I kept repeating… “No, I don’t want to remove my uterus…I want a child!” The doctor’s vibe was off, he appeared confused, like he didn’t know which patient he was handling. I understand that this is routine for doctors, so they become immune, but somewhere inside there should be some understanding and sympathy. He then tells me that a hysterectomy is my only option and that I will never be able to carry a child. Just typing that breaks me down inside. To know that motherhood can be taken away from you is a hard pill to swallow. I knew right then and there that I must take control of my situation. My faith needs to be in God and not a doctor. In my previous appointment, I had asked for a MRI and the doctor said that he didn’t need one. Well, that changed today because he is flipping through my paperwork and asking about images. Sir…you don’t have any because you said that you didn’t need them. It never made logical sense to me that a doctor would go in, cut open my abdomen without more information than an ultrasound. Now, it makes sense because his thoughts were to remove my uterus and I’m sure he can do that with his eyes closed. I left the doctor’s office in a cloudy fog and called my mom to just cry and vent. I spoke with a close friend for more clarity and positive vibes. After calming down by doing breathing treatments, I concluded that I needed new doctors. In the meantime, of finding new doctors, I will risk taking Lupron for another 3 months and I will go the natural route to shrink this fibroid as much as possible. Cliché to say, but “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” and I plan to do my part by putting in the work! I must exercise more, monitor what I eat, live stress-free, be aware of my surroundings, research, and stay encouraged by other women fighting their own battles. This could have been a horrible outcome because if I didn’t ask about other procedures because I needed more clarity of my situation, then I would have woken up in the hospital to a “I’m sorry, we took your uterus.” As I write this blog, I want you to know that you have other options. You do not have to resort to a hysterectomy. You will not die from a fibroid and I know the everyday struggle is painful, depressing, and makes you want to give up…but DON’T! You must believe that you can win this battle because you are a TROOPER. You have endured everyday struggles with your fibroids literally taking the life out of you and if you can bare that pain, then you can bare to take the time to find out what is right for you. Do not let another person or doctor tell you what you need to do for your body. You know your body better than anyone else and you will know what is right for you. As I continue to document my journey with fibroids and iron deficiency anemia, I will make sure that you do not feel alone! I will give you hope and I will be a walking testimony that it is possible to come out on top. So, to all my FABolous women, I will be documenting my next decisions on how to rid these fibroids. Whether I rid them with God’s grace and mercy or by mankind’s myomectomy, I will not hand over my uterus and just call it quits. My faith will overpower my fears and a child will be in my future…God-willing!
#SundayFunday
Date - Sunday, March 25th
2018
Currently spending today creating new content to share with you FABolous women and trying to ignore the discomfort of my fibroid. Just sitting in the bed, I can feel the bulge in my lower stomach. So, I decided to do a castor oil pack for two hours and now I'm just using the heating pad. The heating pad usually eases the pain, but sometimes if it's unbearable I will resort to pain medicine. However, if you like to take the more natural route, then some herbal tea can help alleviate the pain. I usually use my castor oil pack around my menstrual because it can increase circulation, so might as well use it when my uterus is active. Within about 30 minutes, it eases my discomfort and just puts my body at rest. So, today has become a Netflix, Chill, and Work Day! It's never work, when you are working FOR yourself and working ON yourself! Tonight, I will take a long bath with a stress relief candle to just relax my mind, body, and soul. Living with fibroids is very draining mentally, emotionally, and physically. On top of my fibroid pain, I have to deal with being anemic. So, I am tired all of the time! Details on the castor oil pack are on my IG page @allure_renee and details on the tea I prefer is in my journal "The Beauty of Being Reborn." We are all trying to live with these tumors, shrink them naturally, or face the fact that surgery is our only option when they become life-threatening. I just want to be a resource for other women because I exhausted all my options before deciding to accept surgery. From natural remedies, birth control pills, and hormone therapy (which affects the brain). I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly from all of my options. We are all #fibroidtroopers living with fibroids.
#AnemiaChronicles (excerpt)
Date - Saturday, July 15th
2018
After a long week of swollen ankles and "Aunt Flow" decided to visit, I was on a search for IRON. Whenever you bleed, sweat, or urinate you lose iron. So, my iron is already extremely low, so my iron deficiency anemia is considered severe. So, I placed an order with a local grocery store...I was excited to get my hands on chicken liver *woohoo*, but meat is heme iron and it is the quickest way to absorb iron, so chicken liver is going to become a favorite food item! We reached our destination, miscommunication...no chicken liver. So, we called multiple stores and none of them had liver in stock. Finally, my friend thought of a local restaurant and they saved the day. I was able to get my fix...chicken liver. It took us 3 hours to find it! Now, you are probably wondering...just cook it. I will get there. Not a fan of cooking certain meat, definitely not meat that looks like blood clots. Thank God for my mom, she will cook it for me, but she lives almost two hours away, so she is going to show me and I'm going to tackle it.
#BloodTransfusion (excerpt)
Date - Wednesday, May 24th
2k17
My anemia symptoms are full blown and I have a doctors appointment scheduled, it's Wednesday May 24th. I'm thinking my iron is low, so the doctor is going to schedule me for an iron infusion for next week. I have my blood drawn and I wait patiently for my numbers. The doctor tells me the machine couldn't read my tube, so they need to draw again. I happily give them more, even though, I don't have a lot to give lol. The machine still didn't ready my tube, so the doctor suggest that I schedule my future appointments and they will contact me to give me my numbers (CBC, Iron saturation, and ferritin). A few minutes past and the lab technician is looking for the doctors last patient and saying that they cannot leave. I stared at her in confusion because I didn't know if she was referring to me. So, then she says, "Where is the Doctor"..."We got the machine to read the blood count." My heart begins to race and I say, "I think you are talking about me!" She begins to frantically tell me and the nurse that I cannot leave the building, your hemoglobin is a 3, the nurse looks in fear and repeats the lab tech. He also says, you need to go to the ER now for a blood transfusion...you will not die in a day, but your weekend could turn for the worse. He gives me his direct number, contacts the doctor to let him know what is going on and to contact me asap. I am now scared and distraught. I was already thinking about my next step for a blood transfusion, but I wanted to use my intermediate family. That time had come before I could even process what was going, but I had prayed that the Lord help me get through all of this. I call my mom crying because I am shaken up and she is trying to convince to just go. I felt so alone and just needed my family. I didn't know what to expect, so to some it may seem like I was overreacting, but everything was all new to me and I'm use to being healthy. The doctor beeps in on the phone and says "Your hemoglobin is a 3, I gave you medical advise, so go to the ER now, I have told the hospital to order the blood because if you don't go then you could possibly die. I call a friend to meet me at the hospital for moral support, my mom has called my brother and he is on his way and my father drops everything and packs his bag to drive two hours to be by my side. My mom is taking care of my grandma who has dementia, so she is one call away on FaceTime. The nurses draw blood again (I'm really depleted now lol) and begin to stabilize me while I wait for blood. They have me hooked up to monitor my vitals, oxygen, and IV ready. All my nurses and doctors were nice and concerned with my well being. I am a little more at peace, but still frightened on what is to come. The blood arrives around 9:30 pm and she begins the transfusion. I am officially admitted to the hospital and I get assigned to actual hospital room around 12:30am. Im moved upstairs to room 446. The nurses are checking my vitals every 15 minutes, so no sleep for me. The nurses and doctors are amazed that I'm not symptomatic and my vitals are dead on. Blood Pressure between 111-120 over 70-80, temperature 98.6-99.5, and my heart rate originally was 120-130 resting, but I finally broke a 100 and was around 91-99. I took so well to the blood transfusion that I was able to discharge on Thursday around 3:30pm. Now, I forgot to say I only had breakfast Wed morning bc my doctors appt was during lunch, so I figured I would get food after my appt. I didn't get to eat again until 8:30am. Thank you!! I did have a nurse sneak me some graham crackers and water.
#MRI
Date - Friday, May 11th
2k18
May 11th was MRI day. I’m late posting because I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. I was on edge about this day because of the uncertainty and anticipation of knowing the size of my fibroid. My loving mother took off work and drove 2 hours to go through this experience with me. She tried to help with explaining what I may go through during my MRI and to help me remain calm. When I went into the room, I didn’t think much of it because I’m not claustrophobic. I was more worked up because of everything else like finding a new OBGYN, a new surgeon, and constantly thinking about what lies ahead of me. The women taking my images was very soft-spoken, patient, and understanding. She explained that she will position me on the table, make sure I’m comfortable, and gave me earplugs with headphones. I requested to hear the Erkyah Badu station on Pandora because she is my spirit animal. The music starts, the table moves, and I try to go into my quiet place. As soon as my head was covered by the machine, I panicked, but I don’t know why lol. My adrenaline was rushing and I squeezed the ball to let the lady know that I needed to stop immediately! She gave me a few more minutes to relax and my mom was trying to give me different ideas to think about and suggested that I keep my eyes closed. I didn’t really look at the machine when I went into the room, so when I looked back at it, I realized that the back was open. That was a good sign because then I knew I wasn’t completely closed in like a tunnel. I definitely know that I could not do a closed in MRI. I finally get repositioned and lay back down. I’m all the way inside now and the lady starts the imaging. She talks to me through the headphones and lets me know how long each set of images will take. So instead of relaxing, I was counting the songs per minutes...I know, not helping the situation. I was calling on Jesus to help me relax and help me to not feel alone. Since I’m on Lupron, I have hot flashes and that was not helping me because they make me anxious. 15 minutes goes by and my anxiety triggered a few hot flashes. She tells me you’re doing good just 15 more minutes before the contrast images. My anxiety is at an all time high, the anticipation to get out was wrecking my brain, and I couldn’t stop moving my feet...but I'm trying to remain still. I finally squeezed the call button and told the lady, I need to get out now! My mom was like you can do this...if you’re calling on him, then it’s your job to do the work. The lady mentioned that we were getting behind on time and was unsure if I would be able to finish, so she suggested rescheduling and getting medicine for my anxiety. I couldn’t agree with that because my mom came down, I knew I could do it, I already scheduled with my new doctors, I just needed to relax. That was my test...learning to relax! I’m always stressed and on edge, which is not a good thing for my condition or any condition. So, I laid back down to finish the last half before the contrast...and I did it! She slid me out, which gave me some time to breath. She gave me the IV contrast and I went back in the machine. The last 15 minutes was actually okay...can’t say it was a breeze, but I made it and I felt more at ease. I was able to focus on my breathing, listen to the music, and I kept my eyes open. Having my eyes open, helped me remember that I wasn’t in any harm or danger. I became so relax that I was almost able to doze off a little bit, but not too much. The MRI was done and I was happy! A feeling of completeness came over me. I took the rest of the day off to spend time with my mom. We went to brunch, shopping at the outlet mall, and then had dinner with my brother and sister-in-law. I never want to do a MRI again, but I can express that it is a mental thing. It helped me tap into my quiet place and realize how much the mind can control the body. My doctor’s appointment with my new OBGYN/Surgeon is June 6th. I’m halfway through the tunnel and I can see the light. I’m praying for good news. I advise anybody going through this journey or any health scare to take matters in your own hand. Do the research and always get a second or third opinion if needed. Go with your first instinct...that gut feeling and question everything! A journey to being fibroid free will not be easy nor quick, but I believe it is possible!
#OpenMyomectomy
Date - Friday, August 24th
2018
Surgery was Friday 8/24 around 1:30 p.m. I went into surgery with a peace of mind and my heart was at ease. I made sure the Love of God surrounded me because prayer and worry don't work. So, I said my prayers and received my blessings that I was going to be okay, that it was going to be successful, and it would be over in no time. I told myself before surgery to come to terms with the decision I made. The old me who was not grounded in her faith, I would’ve been panicking in the pre-op room, crying, and freaking out. Instead, I was ready! The last thing I remember was receiving kisses from my mom and dad and then I woke up in the recovery room and it was around 6:00 p.m. My family was there and a nurse. I was not aware of what was going on because things were a blur, but I knew surgery was over. The doctor came in to let me know that it was a successful surgery. 12 fibroids in the uterine cavity were removed, they all looked benign, but she will send them off for testing purposes, and that they beautifully reconstructed my uterus (her words lol). Thank God because I didn’t want to wake up to only some fibroids being removed or a hysterectomy because those are still possibilities depending on what is really going on inside. The first 3 days after surgery in the hospital, I had vitals every 2 hours and every 4 - 6 hours I was given pain pills and Pepcid for heartburn. Sunday, I was able to go home and this is when reality hit. I never anticipated recovery, but the biggest thing about recovering at home is being comfortable. I wish we could borrow the hospital bed for at-home recovery because sitting up was very painful. The first two nights, the pain pills make it seem okay, but your doctor is going to want you to ween yourself off of the strong pain medicine because they are additive. I don't know why anybody would want to be addicted to them because I did not like how I passed out mid-sentence, mid text message, and mid-conversation. My mom eventually would just take my phone and say go to sleep girl lol. The Motrin is used for pain and inflammation. The pain you feel after surgery is the heaviness and pressure from your uterus being inflamed and tender. I cannot lay on my side or walk up straight just yet. Since I cannot use my abdomens, the hardest parts are standing up straight, walking normal, sitting down, getting up, and the hardest - getting in and out of bed. I would suggest preparing your house before surgery.
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Here are some suggestions:
Healthier food options
Alkaline Water
Tea options
Pillow Wedge
Doughnut for sitting
Heating pad (cute handmade travel heating pads on my website)
Caretaker (if possible)
Go to outfits (I wear the same dresses and pants that don't hurt my stomach)
Tums or Pepcid
Panties that come above the belly button because a lot of my panties stopped at my incision (they gave me a lot from the hospital)
Step stool (if needed, my bed is high)
Dial soap (optional - I used it the first week because it was antibacterial soap)
Natural Pads (better options - I use Veeda pantyliner (Food Lion) and Seventh Generation(Target))
Taking care of yourself:
Short walks - keep yourself moving (helps with internal gas from surgery)
Socialize with friends - keep your sanity from being in the house
Laughing, Coughing, Sneezing - hold it in, suppress it, or put a pillow on the incision to brace it
Standing - couldn’t stand for too long due to pressure and heaviness (will improve over time)
Showering - I would take pain medicine first and then just let the water and soap run down my chest and stomach to get the tape and incision wet. I would dry by patting with a paper towel.
Stool softeners, prune juice or apple juice to help with bowel movements
Take it day by day, be easy on yourself, and be patient!
Focus on healing and focus on YOU!
#BeautyOfBeingReborn
Date - Friday, July 31st
2020
To end this month that is dedicated to Fibroid Awareness, I decided to share why I started this page. I started this page in Jan. 2018 to help me cope and deal with the health issues that I was facing. Living with fibroids and an iron deficiency before surgery was exhausting and very difficult to maintain a social life or relationship. I felt like I was alone, during cycles I didn’t go anywhere, and when it got to the point that I needed iron infusions monthly and I kept depleting my blood supply every cycle that I thought I would never be normal again. After surgery, I realized that I was still dealing with the mental trauma like I never had the fibroids removed. I still had a bag packed with necessities (you know...that “emergency“ bag), I would still cancel plans on my cycle, and I always have these thoughts of the fibroids returning and repeating those treatments and doctor visitors all over again. I took a hiatus from my page as a way to cope and self-care. I needed time to not think about fibroids, which was a good and bad thing. Bad because I have loyal supporters who checked up on me (THANK YOU), but I felt like I failed them. However, they made me realize two things - 1. I need to be present in this situation for myself and to help others realize that they are not alone and 2. That was the point of me starting this page...The Beauty Of Being Reborn 💕
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I needed to embrace the new me...the woman after fibroids and a reminder that I am not alone! We all have a story and a journey to share. Even with the unknown and uncertainty of what my future holds in regards to fibroids returning or having children...does not take away anything from the woman I am and the woman I am becoming. So, I’m here to continue what I started, continue to meet new women, and create so many different ways to connect and support one another!
